The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
