forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
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