I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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