i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
