im six kinds of drunk right now
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
