Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
