Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
