if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize
