this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
