Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
