I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Randomize
