i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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