I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
