I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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