I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
