Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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