i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
