no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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