: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
