he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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