btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Randomize
