Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
