i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
