I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Little spoons don't ask big questions
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Randomize
