At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
