You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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