Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
