why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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