Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
