Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i will never coherently bang her
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
