How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
