How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
