Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Reggie can tackle my bush.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
