Old men and throwing up are my life now.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
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