He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
