She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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