Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
