my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
