Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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