Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
