I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
