Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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