I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
