I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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