I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
