Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
