I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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