apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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