I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I look excited, but its just a facade.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
