So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
